


The Pain Behind My Words

by Donovanspen



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insecure Magnus Bane, Jealous Magnus Bane, M/M, Sad Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-08
Updated: 2019-08-08
Packaged: 2020-08-11 18:15:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20157937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: A disagreement takes a painful turn when insecurities from the past results in hurtful words.





	The Pain Behind My Words

**Author's Note:**

> This idea came from the scene where they had the Owl trapped in Magnus’s loft, and he taunted Magnus by saying Jace was his main competition. Also when Magnus confronted Alec about the soul sword, and he accused him of being like his father.

“You’re not being fair,” he snapped. “I can’t believe you’re acting like this.”

“Me? You’re the one who was in bed with another person,” Magnus sniped.

“It’s not like that, and you know it.” Alec was seething. He and Magnus had their fair share of disagreements, but this was easily becoming one of their worst.

“What I know, Alec, is that we had a fight, and you went and spent the night with your first love.”

Alec stared at Magnus, unable to believe he would even say that to him. “We stayed up late talking and fell asleep. Are you really serious right now?”

“Why are you even here, Alec?” Magnus asked with a heavy sigh.

“Because you stormed out this morning before we could even talk about anything.” And that was so unfair. Magnus hadn’t even given him a chance to explain, not that he should have had to.

“That was hours ago.”

“And you know I had that meeting with the Clave delegate. I couldn’t just leave the Institute.” And honestly, he had hoped that Magnus would settle down during their time apart. “I can’t believe you’re accusing me of cheating on you.” He’d returned to the loft hoping to talk things out but instead had been greeted with a frosty attitude and hurtful accusations.

“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” Magnus muttered.

Alec felt as if he’d been struck. “I never have, and I never would. Don’t you dare compare me to the others.” Alec heaved in a deep breath, trying to reign in his temper and the overwhelming hurt. How had a small argument over setting work boundaries turned into this?

“We both know that if Jace gave you any indication he was interested, you would be with him. Your life would be so much easier if you were with a Shadowhunter, especially one that you’ve always loved.” Magnus turned away and swallowed down the entire contents of his glass before he started mixing himself another cocktail.

Alec was silent as the pieces started to slide into place. Their initial argument had started when one of Magnus’s clients had made a comment about Magnus being with a Shadowhunter and turning his back on the Downworld. Alec had been insulted and then even more annoyed when Magnus pointed out that the Shadowhunters under his command were as judgmental, if not more so. It was a stupid argument, but they had both been tired and frustrated. Alec had decided to spend the night at the Institute to give them time to cool off. He and Jace had grabbed a few beers, and then stayed up talking in Alec’s room, something they had done dozens of times over the years. But Magnus was remembering old hurts, and when he had stopped by Alec’s room and saw Alec and Jace together, he felt the pain of others who had betrayed him. Never mind he and Jace were both fully clothed, and the covers weren’t even turned back. Any other time, Magnus wouldn’t have given it a second thought as he understood and accepted their brotherhood and bond.

Of course Magnus was wrong, but Alec was tired of fighting. If he was guilty of anything, it was not staying at the loft and resolving their argument. The things Magnus had said to him really hurt, but he didn’t want this to get any worse. He knew Magnus had his insecurities, and if he thought about it, he could see how Magnus was lashing out because of them.

“My life wouldn’t be easier because I wouldn’t have you. I don’t want to fight anymore. I love you, and I’m sorry. You are the last person I’d ever want to hurt, and you never have to worry about me doing anything like that. I hope you believe me.” He waited until Magnus turned around, and he could see from the moisture in Magnus’s eyes and the sag of his shoulders that the fight had gone out of him.

“I do believe you, Alexander,” he said, his voice almost a whisper.

Alec closed the distance between them and pulled Magnus into his arms. All he cared about right now was making Magnus feel better. He held him close, not letting go until Magnus gently pushed against him a few minutes later.

Magnus reached up and placed his palm on Alec’s cheek. “I’m sorry. I know you would never do anything to hurt me. You are an honorable man. I allowed my insecurities to get the best of me.”

Alec nodded, but Magnus shook his head.

“No, dear. I need to explain.” Magnus led Alec over to the sofa so they could sit. He held onto his hand as he met his eyes. “I was jealous of Jace because I know that he would be accepted in a way that I will never be. In my past relationships, I was replaceable. If I became too much, they would just go be with someone who was easier to be with. The fact that you went to Jace after our fight…I know it’s not the same, but I was hurt, and I overreacted.”

Alec leaned forward and pressed his lips against Magnus’s, waiting until he opened up and allowed him to deepen the kiss. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He understood why Magnus reacted the way he did, and now he just wanted to put it past them. He wasn’t trying to initiate anything beyond kissing, but he needed to show Magnus how he felt.

“Alexander,” Magnus breathed, breaking the kiss but resting his forehead against Alec’s. “Talk to me.”

“We’re good, Magnus.”

Magnus leaned back and stared into his eyes as if he was searching for something. “Darling, it wasn’t easy to say those things, to admit that I had allowed past emotions to get the best of me. I know I hurt you, and I don’t want you to give me a free pass on that, Alexander.”

“What else is there to say?” Alec asked. “It’s over and done with.”

“And you can tell me with all honesty that you’re ok with everything that happened?”

“I will be.”

Magnus shifted back, putting a little space between them. “I won’t push you, but I wish you felt as if you could tell me.”

“This isn’t the same thing.” Alec sighed. He was tired and talking this out wasn’t going to make any difference. Obviously, Magnus felt otherwise. “I know you never thought I would cheat on you with Jace, but I was still angry that you would compare me to someone like Camille.”

Magnus nodded but didn’t say anything, waiting for Alec to continue.

“I’ve never talked to anyone about how I felt about Jace,” Alec finally admitted. “I always felt ashamed, and while a few people knew, I could always pretend like they didn’t. Back then, I just felt so … wrong. And alone. And when you said what you said, it felt like you were using that against me, to purposely hurt me.” He shrugged, hoping they could be done with this conversation.

“Alec.”

“Please don’t,” Alec said, cutting him off. “We both have our sore spots. I would never intentionally hurt you, and I know you wouldn’t try to hurt me. It’s like you said, our feelings kind of overrode our judgment.”

“But I did hurt you. I was insensitive, and I’m sorry.”

“I know.” Alec nodded.

“And there is nothing ‘wrong’ about you.”

“I know.”

“Do you?” Magnus pressed. “I’m not trying to be difficult,” he added when Alec closed his eyes and rubbed his hand across his forehead.

“I know,” Alec repeated, opening his eyes to look at Magnus. “But it doesn’t change how I felt then, and no matter what I know now, I can still remember how I felt, so I’d rather not think about it. It doesn’t change anything.”

“True. It appears we both have some sensitive areas in our past. If you ever want to talk about it, I’ll listen.”

Alec snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure I’d enjoy that about as much as you’d enjoy talking about your time with Camille.”

“Actually,” Magnus said, reaching out to reclaim Alec’s hand. “I think I’d like to tell you some stuff, if you don’t mind. Not right now but soon.”

Alec flipped his hand over and threaded his fingers between Magnus’s. “Of course. I’ll listen, but Magnus you don’t need to do this.”

“I didn’t like how I felt today. I don’t want my past to have that kind of power over me, over us.”

“Ok, but …. I don’t think….”

“It’s all right,” Magnus interrupted. “This is my choice. You’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to do.”

Alec squeezed Magnus’s hand, not wanting to possibly drive him away with his refusal to open up. “It’s like you said about your past having power over you. I feel like talking about mine takes away time I could be spending on us right now.”

“I understand.”

“So, we’re good?” Alec asked, needing to make sure.

“We are. Maybe we can take a stroll through the park, clear our heads?” Magnus suggested.

“Yes,” Alec said with a nod, finally starting to feel as if they were truly good.


End file.
